The get-through diary (part 4 – Finale)
September, 22nd 20XX
I told Mr Martin what I’ve discovered at the Chinese restaurant and asked him if it can happen to forget about something you’re used to do so often. He didn’t answer, at least not directly. He just kept on mumbling something about me being confused and deciding to suppress some painful memories. Mr Martin’s not a good psychologist. No need to wait till now to find out; I just wanted someone to talk to who was not Loopy or my family. There’s no need for him anymore… I’ve got my get-through diary as substitute of a living person. It listens to me without making any questions, nor it judges me when I recall J’s last day. It was a sunny day and he died smiling. I know cause I shot him down trying to erase that grin from his face. I’m a murderess and no one has ever suspected me of anything. I didn’t expect to kill him there or to wait for another time. I never planned it; it just happened. I didn’t really loose my memories about him. I’ve always remembered everything. I was just acting, playing a role as he thought me.
September, 30th 20XX
We were dating since past October, two months before my brother’s Christmas party. By that time we were already thinking of breaking up. But then we felt something. Pretending being strangers to each other, not knowing our weaknesses, our faults and our shortcoming. It was different. It was new. We agreed on trying again, playing different roles. J – I shall start to call him Joe because J was just his stage name – was an acting teacher so it was easy for him helping me with my poor acting skills. We started that day at the planetarium. I was there with the twins so it was a perfect stage for us. Everything went well and we kept on doing it. There was a thrill, something mysterious about our fake characters that woke up our passion. It woke up a new kind of love. The first time I said “I love you” was when Joe was playing J. Quite strange but I was glad. That day, when he died, we were on a date. We talked a lot about our plays, about the thrilling sensation. It was him who suggested to change level, to add a bit of realism. Joe wanted something more. Me too, but I did not know if I was ready. Now I realize that I perfectly was. I can’t say why – even now and that’s the only damn detail that I swear I don’t remember at all – I took his revolver in my hands. I felt like Bonny and Joe was my own Clyde. It was perfect. But then he smiled at me. I’ve always hated his way of smiling. So sure of himself. I aimed him. I wanted to frighten him, not too much. A little scared was enough for me… But then Joe grinned wider and said “Shoot me if you can”. He was testing me, my acting skills, and I didn’t want to disappoint him. I did it and he died smiling. After the shot I run away, leaving there his revolver. I was still running when my sight went black. I woke up in a hospital bed. There were my brother and Loopy and they didn’t know what had happened to me. Even the police, who found Joe’s body a week later, never come looking for me. I know they found him ‘cause of an article in the newspaper. Suicide, they said and a goodbye letter in his pocket showed it.
This is my last page. I think I don’t need a get-through diary anymore. I didn’t need it at the beginning, so I won’t need it from now on…